I find myself sometimes questioning who I am and why I'm here. I guess it a common question; one that everyone asks themselves from time to time. It's funny. Ever since I separated the Air Force, I have been on a mission of understanding. What's my true purpose? Is this really all there is? Why do i feel like I'm spinning my wheels? These are the questions that haunt me. There are so many things that rattle around in my head. Things like.... school, parenting, dating, paying the bills....and so on, so forth and such. Even with all these questions, i know that God is working it all out. Now that doesn't stop me from feeling frustrated. Oh no... I'm feeling it, but I can't help but think that there is a reason for this time in my life. Why have I been alone for the last three years? It's like I have some sort of force field around me; preventing any single woman of finding me worthy of....ANYTHING! My family life is being completely turned upside down, with my daughter moving away to Florida with her mom in a couple of weeks. The list never ends, and i don't feel like I have a handle on it.
I've had a fear, all my life, and it terrifies me to this day.
ROLLER COASTERS!
Just the thought of it sends chills up my spine. This first time, was back in the 90's, at SixFlags over Texas. My brother and I decided to go on this...stupid ride, that had two HUGE loops on it. WHAT WAS I THINKING!!! We started along the track. The sound of the ride going up the the track....( chink, chink, chink, chink ) Oh the Horror!!!! Hahahahha. OK, back to the story. So we get to the top... and its really....( gulp)... high. And down we go..... and up, and down, and puke.... I didn't puke, but wanted to. And then we get to the loops. Now my little brother was... about... 10 years old. As we hit the loop we both were pushed into our seats, and upside down we went. But just before the second loop, i guess my brother shifted in his seat, because on the second loop he began to slide out from under the lap bar, holding us down. We made it through ok, but it scared me for a long time. My point is this... I feel like my life is a rollor coaster ride. The only difference is, that there are no lap bars or straps to hold me in. I feel like I'll be thrown from the ride at any moment, and the only way I'm staying in the car, is by shear will power. I just hope I can hold on through all the twist and turns that are ahead. I just really shouldn't of had that chilly dog before I got on....( RALPH)!
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Monday, July 21, 2008
Saturday, July 19, 2008
The Wonderful World of My Life
I really wonder sometimes if I'm the punchline to some cosmic joke some alien is telling his alien buddy and an alien bar.... if there is such a thing. It never fails that just when I think it's going OK, the proverbial rug gets pulled out from underneath me. I've come to expect these annoying occurrences so i just "keep on keeping on," as my mother would put it. But when is enough...well, enough? When do I get to scream at the top of my lungs, go "postal," and take it out on the world?
OK, OK, before you a think I'm some kind of mental person, just relax. I do understand that things go wrong and life doesn't always go the way you want it to. HELLO!! If you know me at all, you know I have a "handle" on the particular thought process. I just long for something more. Now the real questions begin. What is this "something," that I'm looking for? I have my walk with the Lord, a great church family, an amazing immediate family, and an awesome group of friends. So what is it. I've been thinking about it all day and honestly I haven't come to any conclusions. I do know this though.... I'm ready for some new challenges. That may be going back to school or... oh i don't know.... taking up bungee jumping! What ever it is, I'm ready and can't wait to get going. So! That's me today.
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Alright....
So yesterday the kids and I went to Dairy Queen for dinner before church. If you're a parent and attend church during the week, you know the headache of getting everybody fed, happy, to church on time. Anyway, we get our food and take it home. Now I told the kids that they could have an ice cream if they will eat all of their cheeseburger. They both nodded excitedly, as we pulled up to the house to enjoy our fast food treat. As we started up the stair to the apartment, I told them both..."now be careful with your icecream when you come up the stairs." I didn't even get the words all out.... you could still see them floating out of my mouth, and all the sudden i hear a big crash and icecream go flying down the stairs and little Lincoln,(my son), crying his eyes out. Ally had accidently hit his creamy treat and knocked it out of his hands. I felt so bad for him!!!! All i heard was..."MY ICE CREAM!!!! WHAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!! It was horrible!
Alright, so we get inside and we all eat out dinner. Right. So now it's ice cream time. I salvaged Linc's icecream, so he was good. So I pulled Ally's out of the freezer, and I dropped it all over the kitchen floor!!!! So much for a quick bite to eat before church!!!
OK, OK, before you a think I'm some kind of mental person, just relax. I do understand that things go wrong and life doesn't always go the way you want it to. HELLO!! If you know me at all, you know I have a "handle" on the particular thought process. I just long for something more. Now the real questions begin. What is this "something," that I'm looking for? I have my walk with the Lord, a great church family, an amazing immediate family, and an awesome group of friends. So what is it. I've been thinking about it all day and honestly I haven't come to any conclusions. I do know this though.... I'm ready for some new challenges. That may be going back to school or... oh i don't know.... taking up bungee jumping! What ever it is, I'm ready and can't wait to get going. So! That's me today.
------------------------
Alright....
So yesterday the kids and I went to Dairy Queen for dinner before church. If you're a parent and attend church during the week, you know the headache of getting everybody fed, happy, to church on time. Anyway, we get our food and take it home. Now I told the kids that they could have an ice cream if they will eat all of their cheeseburger. They both nodded excitedly, as we pulled up to the house to enjoy our fast food treat. As we started up the stair to the apartment, I told them both..."now be careful with your icecream when you come up the stairs." I didn't even get the words all out.... you could still see them floating out of my mouth, and all the sudden i hear a big crash and icecream go flying down the stairs and little Lincoln,(my son), crying his eyes out. Ally had accidently hit his creamy treat and knocked it out of his hands. I felt so bad for him!!!! All i heard was..."MY ICE CREAM!!!! WHAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!! It was horrible!
Alright, so we get inside and we all eat out dinner. Right. So now it's ice cream time. I salvaged Linc's icecream, so he was good. So I pulled Ally's out of the freezer, and I dropped it all over the kitchen floor!!!! So much for a quick bite to eat before church!!!
A New Hope
So i was chatting with a friend yesterday about my hope for change and looking at the future and such. He also is looking to make changes and we started talking about school, and the G I Bill. It's a financial college program for military members and veterans. Just last month President Bush signed into law significant changes to the program. The previous bill would pay for a certain percentage of the tuition and fees for the college of your choice. Well all that has changed. Starting in August of 2009, the new bill will be adding significant upgrades. So here's the rundown...
First, the government will pay up to the most expensive state school's tuition and fees.
Second, they will give a 1,000 dollar allowance for book expenses.
and Third... For any veteran who is enrolled in the program, they will give a living and housing allowance. This allowance will be the same pay rate, as that of an E-5 pay grade in the armed forces. In other words, what a Staff Sgt. makes in housing allowance; i will receive the same thing. And that's... 1,100 bucks a month.
Now here are the stipulations...
I will only have 36 months to complete whatever degree I choose. So that will mean making some job changes. And that's the hard part. My schedule is, well.... stupid. So to add another challenge would basically make me wanna find the tallest building in Abilene.... if you know what I mean. So a change would have to be made. The good thing about this is, I have a year to get things ready to go. If I enroll in the program now, i might not receive the benefits of the new program, so I'm gonna wait until then. I really see this as a great opportunity for my future. I guess the only thing to do now is pray and really ask the Lord for His will in all this. I hope that you will pray for me through all this as well.
So, for my next blog........
"What In The World Will My Major Be?"
First, the government will pay up to the most expensive state school's tuition and fees.
Second, they will give a 1,000 dollar allowance for book expenses.
and Third... For any veteran who is enrolled in the program, they will give a living and housing allowance. This allowance will be the same pay rate, as that of an E-5 pay grade in the armed forces. In other words, what a Staff Sgt. makes in housing allowance; i will receive the same thing. And that's... 1,100 bucks a month.
Now here are the stipulations...
I will only have 36 months to complete whatever degree I choose. So that will mean making some job changes. And that's the hard part. My schedule is, well.... stupid. So to add another challenge would basically make me wanna find the tallest building in Abilene.... if you know what I mean. So a change would have to be made. The good thing about this is, I have a year to get things ready to go. If I enroll in the program now, i might not receive the benefits of the new program, so I'm gonna wait until then. I really see this as a great opportunity for my future. I guess the only thing to do now is pray and really ask the Lord for His will in all this. I hope that you will pray for me through all this as well.
So, for my next blog........
"What In The World Will My Major Be?"
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